A Hat Routine
Hey Mr. Blue, say Mr. Blue, where did you get that hat?
Same place you did, Mr. Red.
And where, pray tell, was that?

I found it in a coffee shop.
A coffee shop, you say?
Yes, I was eating breakfast there --
The Monument Cafe?

How did you know that, Mr. Red?
Well, I was there that day.
You didn't stop to say hello?
I had to rush away.

Did something scare you, Mr. Red? Did you receive a fright?
I had to see my agent, and rehearse for the show that night.

I have a strange suspicion that you left this hat for me.
Now how would I know you'd be there?
You have your ways, I see.

And what ways, Mr. Blue, might those be? What ways, I demand?
You left this hat with the hat-check girl, right next to the candy stand.

But everyone leaves hats with her, Sir Blue; that is the norm.
Your sophistry, my dear Sir Red, is running true to form.

My sophistry? How dare you, sir! My logic's plain and clear!
It's plain and clear up to a point -- not after that, I fear.

And just what point are you referring to? What point is that?
That, having dropped one's topper off, one then picks up one's hat.

But folks forget things all the time -- there's nothing in that, Blue.
Forget? An actor, who depends on memory, like you?

But even actors may forget --
The line, but not the lid. Your act depends on this top hat. Admit the thing you did.

You harp on this one note as if your harp had just one string.
That's no admission, Mr. Red. That isn't anything.

I beg to differ, Mr. Blue. I proffered a metaphor!
You're way off topic, Mr. Red. The hat-check, near the door --

-- Is where one checks one's hat, or, possibly, forgets that very same --
Forgets? Or leaves it to be found?
I tire of this game.

Aha! So it was strategy to leave it lying around!
This is a simple matter for the Monument's Lost and Found.

Whose policy, if you recall, is ITEMS LEFT UNCLAIMED --
-- FOR 30 DAYS OR MORE -- I know. But I cannot be blamed!

You wanted me to find this hat.
Well, be that as it may --
So I was right!
No, Mr. Blue, that's not what I meant to say.

Say what you meant, then, Mr. Red.
I'll try to, Blue. Suppose --
(A mere hypothesis.)
Pipe down, and see where the story goes.

All right, I'll listen, Mr. Red, to this story about your "friend."
My friend?
The mask you hide behind which turns out to be you in the end.

Even if a fellow were to leave his hat for another man --
(-- A fellow with a motive, with a truly cunning plan --)

-- How could he be sure that after the Monument's 30 DAYS --
"He" who? That's you! That's Mr. Red, who acts in all those plays!

-- The hat in question would be sure to go to the targeted bloke?
That's easy as strawberry-rhubarb pie! That's totally non-baroque!

Well, what's the answer? You tell me, as you seem to be telling this tale.
A word to the management -- no, a bribe, mere words are of no avail --

You seem to avail yourself of words, in far-fetched supposition --
Nothing you say can induce me to stray from my firmly held position.

For that tenacity, Mr. Blue, I'll summon a round of applause --
And I'll put it on hold, for my next line will surely give you pause.

All right, I'll pause. -- Well, speak your piece. I can't stand here forever.
Whoever slipped this ticket in this hatband sure was clever.

Let me see that ticket. Hmmm ... It looks like one of ours.
What gets stuck in hatbands? Playing cards, or flowers --

-- Feathers, or press passes -- but so what? What is your point?
You planted this in this hatband, to lead me to this joint --

Excuse me, sir, but the RGB is a venue of serious note --
-- To get some free material from me! That's all she wrote!

August 2004
Copyright 2004 Websafe Studio